Hm.
May 8 2009, 2:36 AM EDT
| Post edited: May 8 2009, 2:36 AM EDT
For content? I liked it. Very intelligent, unique idea, and very surprisingly in the style of Death Note. Plus sex, of course.
Unfortunately, the way it was written wasn't as exemplary as might be hoped. A couple lines detracted from the overall story when a simple edit or two would have solved the problem and made the impact of the work that much greater. As an example, "Warmth like fire began to crawl through his body, setting his nerves on fire, and placing his mind on the brink of insanity, and Light wasn’t sure he could take anymore." Now, to be sure, that's a good sentence, aside from the mistake at the end where it should say "any more" rather than "anymore." But it could be made even stronger if you were to rewrite it as, say, this: "Firy warmth crawled through his body, igniting his nerves and placing his mind on the brink of insanity... Light wasn't sure he could take any more." The first sentence almost exclusively uses the passive tense, and my edited one changes to active wherever possible. Also, the word "fire" is used twice in the exact same sentence, and a basic simile shouldn't be used when there's a strong adjective that can be used in its place, so I changed that up a little bit. The comma after "setting his nerves on fire" is unnecessary, and on the same point the sentence becomes run-on when you tack the last clause onto it. I freed that one up with an ellipsis, and the result--I think--is much more striking.
The story is good, but with a bit of touching up it could be great.
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